Why I’m Thankful That I’m Old

Why I’m Thankful That I’m Old

Today is American Thanksgiving. I like this holiday because it’s an opportunity to spend time with friends and family. To be truthful though, I dislike it because we ought not be celebrating the Pilgrims. Instead, I think we should be taking the opportunity to discuss how we could be better at showing fairness and respect to indigenous people and those in the minority.

Thanksgiving does inspire us to practice gratitude and thanks. I like that part of the holiday. Here’s what I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful that I’m old.

That’s right. I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about monthly cycles or what everyone else thinks of me. I’m thankful that I no more sweat the small stuff, and I know that most things are small. (That was my Dad’s advice when I got married. Smart man.)

I’m thankful I know that my ultimate joy comes from connection to my friends, family and those of you I serve…and not from completing projects on time or making more money.

Life can suck, and I’m thankful I have the perspective to accept that gracefully. I know it will pass, and that joy and peace are waiting around the corner.

I’m thankful that I finally allowed myself to admit that the love of a man was something I needed in my life, and that I figured out how to bring that into my life, and keep making it better.

And I’m amazingly thankful that you allow me into your life and into your heart…and trust me to be your guide and partner in your journey to love.

How about you? Are you thankful to be old? (If ‘old-er’ works better for you, please feel free to replace.) If you’re not feeling the gratitude like I am, I thought I’d give you are a few places you are able to go to get some inspiration and information.

Here’s my friend and colleague Cynthia Pastor’s style inspiration to bring out the bad ass in you!

This website is gorgeous. It celebrates stylish older women. (And check out his documentary!)Some great tips on how to enjoy life after 50.19 Reasons Getting Older is the Best Thing Can Happen to You. (Very fun!)

I hope you celebrate our magnificence with me!

I’d love to hear what you have to add to my list. How is life better for you now that you’re in the second part of your life? What do you NOT miss about being 20? Let us know!

Should you date a separated man? Let’s put it this way…

I did. Then I married him.

So, my answer is, Hell Yes!

To be clear, I would never encourage you to go out trying to find separated men to date. I didn’t.

In fact, I didn’t notice Larry’s profile said he was separated until I was on my way to our meet-date! As usual, I was time-challenged so it was too late to make a U-turn and cancel.

As I was driving there I was thinking that I was likely wasting my time.

My coffee wasn’t even warm when and the conversation began…

Me: I noticed you are separated. What’s up with that?

( The beauty of dating like a grownup is that you can discuss real stuff. Even awkward stuff.)

Notice I didn’t add any judgments or assumptions to my question. It was just straightforward, open-ended and once I asked it, I shut up and listened very carefully to his response.)

Look, we are not 25 anymore with relatively clean slates. We’ve lived complicated lives, we’ve made bad choices, we’ve got pasts and serious obligations.

There might be many perfectly acceptable ( to you) reasons a man hasn’t yet divorced.

Him: Yep, I am. We’ve been living separately for a few years.

Me: Why haven’t you divorced?

Him: I’m not planning on getting married again so I just haven’t gotten around to it.

Me: Oh. I’m dating because I’m ready to get married…when I meet the right man.

Him: Okay. Well do you still want to have coffee?

Me: Sure. I guess so.

Discuss getting our cards on the table, tout de suite, right?

He didn’t go running and screaming when I said the ‘M word. And I heard exactly what he said, ‘I’m not planning on getting married…. NOT ‘I’m never getting married… So, I figured that it was worth getting to know him a little bit. Plus he seemed grownup and confident ane kind. I liked being around him.

We carried on with our coffee…

then we had lunch. ( Our original plan was to have coffee and ‘if we didn’t gross each other out have lunch. Those were his words. Cute.)

Then we had dinner the next night.

I started realizing that being late might have paid this time!

Look, we are not 25 anymore with relatively clean slates. We’ve lived complicated lives, we’ve made bad choices, we’ve got pasts and serious obligations.

There might be many perfectly acceptable ( to you) reasons a man hasn’t yet divorced.

The only way to find out is to ASK and discuss it. Like a grownup. If he contacts you online and you prefer his profile, ASK. If you meet another way and he mentions he is separated, ASK.

You are able to say what I did. Or ask ‘as you’re dating what are you ultimately in search of? Or ‘Do you plan on divorcing? Or even ‘I have some mixed feelings about that. Can we discuss it?

Divorce can be expensive and a major hassle. So, for most men, unless they have a really good reason to get divorced (like another woman in their life) they may put it off.

Or maybe his ex is in need of his health insurance benefits that she would lose if they divorce. I’ve heard that more than once and, as someone having a chronic illness, I totally get it. That’s something a good guy does, not an asshole. So, good to know, right?

Of course, there can be red-flags as to why he’s still married. But instead of taking the seemingly simple road and just writing him off…make the effort to ask the right questions, listen carefully and believe what he says. Oh, and share your truth.

There are ways to find out what you really need to know about his past relationships. That doesn’t consist of asking him why they split up or anything of that sort. You don’t wish to dive into that muck, sister.

Instead, use this magic question to get to the meaningful information: What have you learned from your marriage and other past relationships? Quite simply, what would you bring into the present

Again, I’m not suggesting that you seek out dating a married man. But, when you run into one and he seems interesting, give him the doubt until you have a grownup conversation about it.

Maybe your dating a separated man story may turn out like mine:

Larry filed for divorce 3 weeks after our first date.

6 months later I became a first-time bride at age 47. That was in 2006.

So, should you date a separated man? Hell yes! Because you never know.

What’s your experience? Are you separated and dating? Do you have stories about men you dated who are separated? I’d love to hear from you so leave me a comment!

PS: This is exactly the type of question I help women answer in my Over40 Love School. Being able to make decisions like these is important. If I didn’t know how to answer this I’d topadultreview.com likely still be single. 🙂

If you are a woman dating after 40, it’s likely you had at least a few breakups that have left you feeling broken hearted. So…how DO you get over your ex?

Maybe you’re going through a breakup now. Maybe you broke up years ago. Maybe you’re still aching over that intense month-long ‘thing you had with the hot guy, that ended abruptly when he disappeared.

Is there some man in your past who seems to be haunting you? The one that got away, or the one who you wish you could have back? You still care about him. You can’t figure out what you did wrong. You’re upset. You can’t shake the sadness. You just can’t seem to move on.

I don’t care how strong or separate or confident you’re, breakups can hurt like hell.

There is a lot of practical advice on how to get over a breakup, most which I agree with. Block him on Facebook, take a trip with your friends, remove his personal items from your home. These are all good methods to help you stop feeling the emotional discomfort. I suggest you take these actions, but they only help you avoid. They don’t help you truly get over your ex and heal.

I don’t care how strong or separate or confident you’re, breakups can hurt like hell.

If you are going to create a happier future – one where you can fearlessly love and become loved – you have to do some icky, scary work. You need to go deep. You need to learn from your experience.

Yes, I’m talking about digging in and reliving it – all of it. The meeting, the relationship plus the breakup. The joy, the pain, the confusion…the feelings. It can be messy. It will challenge you. But I promise, this is what leads you to new love.

Almost every woman I know, both friends and women I coach, have some unresolved past relationship junk that is hovering in the background of her life.

What did I do wrong?

Why didn’t he want me?

How could I have made such a bad error?

Why can’t I forget him?

Will anyone ever love me?

Wow. These are some powerful concerns! You can see why, when they go unanswered, we can feel unworthy, insecure, unlovable, even hopeless.

There is also the anger. We have trouble trusting males. Or even worse, we can’t trust ourselves.

If you are going to create a happier future – one where you can fearlessly love and become loved – you have to do some icky, scary work.

Until these feelings get acknowledged. plus the dynamics of your relationship get processed in a way that helps you understand your experience and learn from it, you are sure to keep repeating your patterns or simply remaining single.

Get Over Him!Download your Worksheet & Break Free From Your Ex

Here is a summary of the three actions you are able to take to help you learn, let go, and love again.

1. Choose to See the Relationship as a Positive

There are an endless amount of steps on the way to your forever, grownup love story. The lonely super single days, the bad and boring dates, the fun dates, the childish mistakes you make feeling loved and, yes, feeling like your heart is broken.

Every one of these steps are rungs on your ladder to love. You are able to choose to look at them as failures and wasted time. Or you can choose to see them as requisite experiences leading up to your life’s ultimate desire.

The first step in getting over your ex is to agree to open your heart and mind so you can look for the positive in your experience. When you do, I promise you’ll find it.

2. Learn How to Be a Better Man-Picker

This man and this partnership wasn’t right for you. Ultimately it didn’t allow you to be happy. (Understatement?) I’d even venture to say that, once you look closely, you’ll find you weren’t too happy while in the relationship.

Very positive aspects of your breakup could be that you learn how to make better choices and take better care of yourself. To do that, you need to start with knowing – really knowing – the FEELINGS you must have in order to be happy in a relationship.

Let me say that again: You want to know how YOU need to feel in order to be happy.

How you feel is the bar by which you can truly measure the value of your relationship having a man…especially one that you want to last a lifetime. It’s not about what he DOES. It’s not regarding how much he laugh. It’s not even regarding how he feels about you.

This can be hard. Many women don’t even know what we want or need. We’ve never articulated it. We’ve never allowed ourselves to ask that question.

Instead, we go by some general sense, an intuition, every day to day thing. Today I’m happy and feel good. I like this about him, I don’t like that. We’re getting along. We’re not. He wants me so I guess I want him.

When I coach women in my 1-1 coaching programs, we work on my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him system. Step 3 of that system is ‘Who is He: Getting Past My List.

Basically, the work you do with me here helps you ‘fix your picker. It helps you understand the feelings that are important for you to have in order to feel fulfilled and whole in a relationship and then identify your must-haves.

Here are just a few of the common examples of what comes up for women:

I want to feel safe.

I want to feel special.

I want to feel understood.

The thing is? When you look at your relationship according to how you feel with him (and, btw, when you’re not with him) things can look quite different. This will be even clearer in your next step.

3. Process and Reflect on the Distinct Parts of Your Relationship

Relationships are made up three distinct elements:

#1 You

#2 Him

#3 The relationship

When you explore each of these elements separately, you are able to expose some really juicy learning.

The purpose of some exploration isn’t to find out who was right or incorrect, or what mistakes you made. The purpose is to take a thoughtful, truthful look at this life experience, grab the learning, and forge forward in your journey to lasting, grownup love.

Sister, if you have a man who’s haunting you or a relationship you can’t seem to leave behind, I want to help you get to your positive takeaways…and move the hell on!

The questions here will guide you to clarity regarding how you can be a much better partner, decide on a better partner and better nurture a relationship.

Get Over Him!Download your Worksheet & Break Free From Your Ex

And here is a biggy: You’ll also get clear on who and what it is that you are truly mourning. (This may surprise you, in a delightful way.)

Should you feel reluctant to revisit the past, I get it. It might feel like you’re finally getting over him, plus the idea of dredging it up again feels pretty sucky. But like I said earlier, it’s not enough to stop feeling the emotional pain because you’ve learned how to block it.

You want to heal!

With healing, you will begin to see the positive in this relationship. You will be able to use the experience to ultimately make your life better. You’ll be so much closer to your grownup love story!

You are able to let go of the past and use the positive side of heartbreak to move on with lightness, clarity and a fresh begin.

Click on this link to get your worksheet: How to Get Over Your Ex, So You Can Learn, Let Go and Love (for Real)

I’d love to hear from you. What comes up for you as read this post and as you work the process? What have you learned about yourself, him and your relationship? Let me know by leaving me a comment!